This to the guy that molested me...A few years ago I was a reasonably happy high school student, in my senior year, working evenings as a gas station attendant. I was eighteen so I was able to work later at night. I had a dark secret. I was seriously attracted to men. I was strong, athletic and hung but I had never yet had sex with another guy. Mostly afraid of being "outed" by someone, I suppose. I was good at sports especially gymnastics and wrestling. I actually placed in the state finals in wrestling. Handsome and strong I had my choice of any of the girls I wanted so keeping my secret was not that hard.
One night, while working at the gas station, I was robbed at gunpoint. The guy was so scared that I could feel him trembling as he pressed the loaded, cocked revolver against the back of my head as he ordered me to open the cash drawer. I fully expected him to kill me after getting the money and maybe before because he was shaking so badly he could pull the trigger at any moment by accident. I got the drawer open and he forced me into the back room and into the restroom. He told me not to try to get out for an hour or he would kill me. He tipped a file cabinet over against the door to keep me from getting out of the door, and left.
I heard him drive off and climbed out of the window, called the police and waited.
While the police were there, another man, who had talked with me several times before, stopped in because of all the police cars there. He had talked about my schoolwork, which I did while waiting for customers, and my drawings, which were mostly of men in various fighting scenes. He was friendly but not obviously dangerous. He came in and asked what had happened. I told him about the robbery. My boss told me that I could leave early if I wanted to and this other guy offered to take me home. I was still quite shaken by the robbery so I gladly accepted his offer. After I got into his car, he said "How about stopping at my house for some coffee or something to calm down some." He said that it might help to talk things over to get it off my chest. Like an idiot, I accepted his offer.
When we got to his house we went inside and I was impressed by his collection of guns, knives, and swords. He made coffee and we went into his living room to talk. His conversation gradually changed from talk about the robbery to general chit-chat and then to more personal things. Part of the problem of being "hung" is that it is hard to conceal. He started talking about girls, dating and sex. I listened and tried to sound interested. His conversation switched to me. He told me that I was a real knockout for the girls and that I needed to let the girls see my package - show it off more. I started getting uncomfortable with that suggestion, not sure where he was going with it.
Then he brought out his magazines. Nudist pictures. Men and women wandering about completely naked. Now he had my attention. I was trying to act interested in the women but some of those men...
Then it happened. He suggested that I let him adjust my package for the fullest effect. I refused to let him at first but he pulled one of his knives out and laid it on the couch on the other side of himself from me. He never said anything about the knife but I got the message.
He tried to talk me into screwing him in the ass but I was too nervous and afraid of him to do anything like that. He ended up giving me a blowjob and forcing me to jerk him off at the same time. I had never had any sex with another man and this guy was almost enough to drive me straight.
He came around a few nights later at the gas station to "apologize" and see how I was doing. I gave him some short answers and told him to leave. When I was taking the deposit to the bank
later that night, he followed me to the bank and again showed me his knife, forced me into his car and back to his house. The second time was a real horror. Much worse than the first time.
I called the police later but they told me that I was going to have to swear out statements, complaints, and testify in court. I was dumb enough to chicken out because of fear of being outed, or for that matter even being in the news as having been raped by a scumbag like him.
Years afterward I wish I had the guts at the time to get him locked up, and I have to wonder how many other kids he had done that to, before me, and after me. How many kids had to suffer because I never said anything. If I had been under eighteen when that happened to me, he would have gone to jail after my call to the police that night. If. Being of "legal age" I had to prove that I did not give consent to him. - How do you do that???
There are a lot of predators out there looking for young, naive and vulnerable kids to prey on. It is already too late for me and for many like me. Don't carry this secret any longer.
Tell your story.
I've never been sexually molested.
ReplyDeleteBut when I moved to California at the age of 22 my first job was working the graveyard shift at a 7-11. Everything was fine the first couple of months but then I was held up at gunpoint three times in a months. The first two times were scary but uneventful.
Actually, the first time had a really scary momement since the milkman was in the walk in cooler and walked out in the middle of the robbery. All three of us freaked and I didn't know what the robber was going to do. The gun swung back and forth between me and the vendor and I felt, oh shit. This is it. Luckily the milkman didn't do anything stupid and the punk took off with the money.
The second robbery was much more mundane, and I didn't feel at risk.
The third time the guy made me put off the change from the register in a paper bag and then hit me across the face with it since I was taking too long.
The bag broke and the change went everywhere. My glasses were broken and I had scars on my nose for weeks. I quit the next day.
To this day, 30 years later, I am uneasy about going anyplace at night by myself. I do all my shopping in the morning and I don't even go to the movies after dark. I have deadbolts on all my doors and motion detector lights in the back yard, which drive the squirrels crazy but make me feel better.
My thanks for this post to Kid Crowbar... I know that there are a lot of other stories out there. Please feel free to post your story here for others to read.
ReplyDeleteKyle
Kyle,
ReplyDeleteHere is my story to add to your blog page--I had trouble when I tried to post it---can you add it for me?
Special thanks to my good friend Kyle for starting this much needed Blog page!
My story began early in my youth around the age of nine, a tender and innocent age. I always looked forward to summer vacation time after school ended for the year. It was a wonderful time to enjoy family & neighborhood friends...so I thought until this particular summer when my innocence was abused and stolen. The neighborhood I grew up in was impoverished, but at my age I was not aware that we were poor...I always had food & clothes and to my knowledge I lacked for nothing, so in my eyes it was a wonderful life. Our neighbors were good hard working folks and always there to lend a helping hand if needed. I knew all my neighbors within two blocks or more and they were good & kind to me...until my next door neighbors had family visiting from out of town that summer. All their grand children came that summer for a family reunion and stayed for a couple of weeks...the WORST two weeks of my young life, as time would reveal! At first the grand children seemed friendly & polite, they were all older than me, some in their teens, and we had lots of fun playing in the nearby park. One late afternoon I found myself alone with an older boy that was sixteen, we sat on the porch of an abandoned house in my neighborhood...he was very friendly & took great interest in me as a person, so it seemed. I wondered why he sat so close to me that afternoon...but soon found out as he began to touch me inappropriately...I had no idea what was going on or what was about to happen! I was sexually innocent and knew nothing of such things. His advances increased & he forced me into the interior of the abandoned house and what horrors followed I cannot describe to you-it was painful & degrading now as I today still deal with the nightmare images burnt forever in my mind! He threatened to kill me if I said anything to my parents. I was scared beyond your imagination and darkness entered my life from that day forward. I would cry for no reason and my family would ask what was wrong...but I could NOT tell them anything for fear of his following thru on his death threat...I was alone, dealing with feelings of shame, & painful memories of the events that took place in that house. It was MORE than a nine year old could endure...the scars, emotional & physical, still haunt me to this day. My abuser was never caught-he went free-I became the tortured prisoner!!!
I thought I had put all of the horrors behind me 8 years later...I was now preparing for high school graduation and had been driving for a couple of years. One day I stopped at a Hardee's drive-thru for a burger and to my absolute TERROR, my Nightmare became Real and present again---as I reached the drive-thru window to pay--there in satan's manifestation stood the Perpetrator asking if I wanted ketchup---all I could think of was BLOOD...the memories flooded back and I was in a state of SHOCK & DISBELIEF...I wanted to turn him in and make him pay for the crimes he committed against me...it was too late, what proof did I have?, My ANGER & RAGE was self consuming!!
We must tell our stories to warn others about the evils which lurk in the world and in my case the EVIL which lurked next door!!
Say, Kyle. I enjoyed your story very much. I recognize the guy who's picture you posted. He's model/porn star Jonathan Jesensky. I would have loved having him for a first-time lover, but rape is rape, and it's wrong.
ReplyDeleteI was never assaulted, but here's my first man-on-man experience:
One of my best buddies left our town when his mom moved to New Orleans. Later, that Summer, I talked my parents into taking us on a vacation trip so I could see him. We were both sixteen then.
Ronnie was incredibly sexy and very good looking, with a long, lean, hard swimmer's body. We were both sixteen, but he was way more mature for his age than I was. He drank beer and smoked cigarettes, both of which I did not do.
My family stayed in a motel that night, leaving me to spend the night with Ronnie. We stayed up late, watching TV, and he got me a little drunk (his mother worked nights).
I finally passed out on the bed, and woke up about 2am, with him jacking me off. All we did that night was jack each other off...and do some deep kissing, but I didn't care. He was my first.
As usual, we both wrote to one another for several months, and then drifted apart. I never saw him again, but my memories are all good ones. I got to finally run my hands over his tight, flat, rock-hard abs.
Thanks, Ronnie, wherever you are.
Good to hear a good experience here. The first experience should be a good one. My hat is off to Ronnie - Wonder if you were HIS first?
ReplyDeleteI doubt that I was his first, as he was clearly an agressor, but I suppose that I could have been. I don't recall us talking about it much. We were too busy having fun to do much talking. It certainly made a lasting impression on us.
ReplyDeleteWhat about your first good experience? Tell us about it, if you will.
Dino